Cartoon boy

There once was a boy called Bruen
who was inside a tv cartoon
when he started to itch
and he found rough hairy bits
he realised he was a baboon

Pus face

There was a boy called Luke
who had an oozing plook
his sister couldn't look at it
she said it made her puke

Luke, he found it funny
scaring his sibling, Honey
so he squeezed it til it burst
and slid down her face all runny

Hairy faces

There was a one-eyed man called Costas
who was growing a bushy moustache
when he woke at first light
he got quite a fright
it got tangled up with his eyelash

Fright night

There once was a new ghost called Blair
who just didn't know how to scare
his mum called it "tragic"
as he floated in the attic
"you'll never scare while you're up there"

Mag's ma

Way down low
where the earth does glow
lived a man whose name was Mag

He lived with his brother
and his angry mother
and he called her his red Ma

Now Mag's ma's temper
was rarely just a whimper
she often blew off steam

It started with a grumble
and a tumble and a rumble
then she spewed forth her vitriolic mass

But it wasn't heated words
that he and his brother heard
it was heated lava and heated gas

Hot chocolate

There once was a man called Brocklet
who built a grand house made of chocolate
but in the heat of the day
it melted away
so he didn't live in it he drank it

sticky little fingers

Once there lived a girl called Mandy
whose body was made up of candy
but to tell you the truth
she had such a sweet tooth
every night she nibbled her handies

Eyes front or else!

There once was a young girl called Berty
who was so incredibly flirty
when she saw next door's boy
she bat her lashes with joy
but fell on her face and got dirty

From pig to twig

There once was a girl called Fig
who ate like a ravenous pig
she was mocked by her friends
so she vowed to amends
and now she's as slim as a twig

Topper's trouble

There once was a bunny called Topper
who wasn't a very good hopper
so he tied metal springs
to his paws with hemp string
but bounced so high he came a cropper

Friends forever

First day at high school
the pressure is on
to find good friends
you can rely on

Don't be drawn in
by the dazzle of cool
or you may wind up
looking more like a fool

Bad girls will get you
into a whole heap of trouble
your quest for acceptance
will become a burst bubble

Rich girls, they can be
particularly snobby
they look down their nose
and say that you're not worthy

But just when you least expect it
some girls will cross your path
a true connection, unbreakable
a bond to forever last

Claire de lune

Claire de lune
Claire of the moon
shining bright
celestial sunlight

Looking down
on every town
this nightly guard
of the sun's backyard

Tracking the sky
with stars on standby
til morning time
when the sun does climb

Electronic loser

There once was a young boy called Wade
who won every game that he played
til one day he got cocky
at a game of field hockey
and lost his cash in the arcade

So ever so pretty

There once lived a girl called Kitty
who thought she was awfully pretty
till her brother had said
she had such a big head
that the whole town looked on her with pity

The ghostly gravedigger

There was a gravedigger called Jones
who dug holes for skeleton bones
but one spooky dark night
he got quite a fright
when he saw his name on a headstone

Claire the bear

There once was a girl called Claire
who woke to find she was a bear
if that wasn't enough
she went into a huff
when she saw her butt covered in hair

One spare leg

There once was a girl called Toni
who was given a five-legged pony
it would she proclaimed
give her fortune and fame
til she found the fifth leg was a phony

Canine olympics

An idea Rory had one day
for winter games his dog could play
he told his friends, they scoffed and jeered
and said that he was just plain weird

Rory branded those as cynics
who poured scorn on his olympics
"I'll show you, I'll be renowned,
when dogs come play from all around."

"I won't be beaten," he did trill
"I'm off to climb up Clatto hill.
Come one, come all I am the pied piper
for playful dogs so keen and hyper."

Behind him village dogs did trail
even ones so old and frail
they heard his call cut through the air
a call to arms, a brave fanfare

Atop the hill the games began
then down the hill the dogs they ran
his friends, in awe, were so struck dumb
upon the sight of dog slalom

Weaving bodies, wagging tails
white puffs of air each dog exhales
at the bottom there's a winner
the bloodhound owned by Stuart Skinner

"That's my mutt," cries Stuart clear
who grabbed his dog with the droopy ears
"What's the prize, what's my dog won?"
"Just chocdrops for him to feast on."

"What's the next race?" shouts a boy
jumping in the snow with joy
"Tobogganning," Rory he says
who tied the dogs to two small sleighs

Kids they scrambled, all on board
Rory's pleas they all ignored
faithful dogs with boys in tow
they dragged them through the foot deep snow

Faster, faster they sped down
each team hoping to take the crown
the sleighs however were much slicker
than the dogs where snow was thicker

The end result of this long tale
the sledging race sadly did fail
the sled ropes snapped the dogs got stuck
the boys slid into fresh cow muck

A day on the slopes

Snow and ice are here to stay
but not too cold to go and play
grab your sledge, put on your mitts
and brave the snowy winter blitz

Trudging through the knee deep snow
the walk uphill is long and slow
but at the peak the view is clear
of mountains and their white veneer

No time to stop and see the view
you've got to beat the sledging queue
hop on board, take up your rope
its time to slide right down the slope

Rushing wind and screams of joy
you've just sped past the neighbour's boy
now at the end, your toes are numb
and you've also got a snowy bum

Bel's locket

Bel ran her forefinger over the fine, filigree on her Grandmother's silver locket and sighed. In her mind's eye she could see the withered face of Granma Bel chuckling back at her-her grey eyes that twinkled like dying stars, her smile that could melt chocolate at fifty paces and her long, molten-silver hair that cascaded over her shoulders.
Bel never thought the distance between them could ever be so great. But now as she stared at the locket and chain that she had only ever seen hanging round her Grandmother's neck, it felt like a universe separated them. How far do souls soar when the body dies?, she wondered, and where is heaven? in the clouds? near the moon? out by the far reaches of the milky way, where the comets swarm round the sun?
She took a deep breath and clutched her hand to her chest, trying to hold down the swell of sadness that rose inside her. All she could think about was the moment Granma Bel gave her that locket. She was sat on the brown velour armchair in her grandmother's lounge. The electric fire was on. The tinny smell of burning metal mingled with the heady aroma of Granma's Lily of the Valley perfume. On every shelf there were porcelain statues of ballet dancers poised on points-a reminder of bygone passions.
"Now remember dear," her grandmother croaked as she pressed the little locket into Bel's palm before curling Bel's fingers protectively around it, "Don't open this locket until I'm gone. You must promise me."
"But I don't want it, Granma. It's yours," Bel said, plaintively holding her hand out, hoping her Grandmother would take it back.
"I have no use for it now, Bel. It's yours."
Bel didn't want to admit it at the time but she knew her Grandmother wouldn't be around for very much longer. She felt her pain. When her Grandmother struggled to walk, Bel felt spasms in her legs. When she struggled to breathe, Bel's chest was tight. And when she could no longer eat, Bel's stomach seized from hunger.
She didn't want the locket, but pleasing her Grandmother was what she did want.
"Thanks, Granma."
Quite why her Grandmother was so sincere about her not opening it Bel wasn't sure. It wasn't something she considered, until now.
"I hope she's put a photograph in it," Bel said as she prised the silver clasp apart.
The moment it released the locket flipped open all by itself, and a silvery light, as bright as a full moon, swirled up into the air from inside it.
It caught Bel by such a surprise she stumbled back and fell onto her bed, dropping the locket to the floor.
"Hello, Bel, dear," said her Grandmother's voice.
Bel looked all around her, wondering where the haunting echo of her Grandmother was coming from. Was it in her head?
"I'm here," said the voice again. "I'm here in the locket. I'll always be with you."
"Granma?" said Bel.
"Yes, dear. It's me."
"I don't understand. You're gone, aren't you?"
"In body yes, but my spirit lives on."
Bel let out a laugh of elation, and tears began to pour down her cheeks.
"I miss you so much," spluttered Bel. "If I could give up this locket to have five more minutes with you I would, I swear it."
"There's no need for that. You can have as long as you need with me. Always. All you have to do is open the locket and I'll be here."
Bel brushed the tears from her cheeks. "You mean I can talk to you whenever I want."
"Yes."
"Forever?"
"And ever."

Honey the money-grower

There once was a girl called Honey
who wanted to grow lots of money
so within the soft ground
she planted one pound
which got nicked by a foraging bunny

Bonebreaker

There once was a boy called Joe
who wanted to break his big toe
so he grabbed a big mallet
and attempted to whack it
but instead smashed the bridge of his nose

Cameron's fourth birthday

When Cameron turned four
a party he did host
he invited sixteen friends
to a hall just off Fife's coast

That morning he woke up
to a flurry of fresh snow
falling from the sky
onto the icy ground below

His mother she was worried
that his friends wouldn't arrive
because the laying snow
made it so difficult to drive

The DJ had already called
to say his van was stuck
he was on his way to get a farmer
to dig him from the rut

As time ticked on the hall was dressed
so full of birthday cheer
then Cameron arrived
and wondered if his friends were here

The hall was empty, all alone
disaster on the brink
then one by one his friends turned up
Cameron was tickled pink

The music played while Auntie Kirsty
did some crowd control
but Cameron requested
that she play some Cheryl Cole

Then everyone had food
the theme was Cars, the disney movie
and Cameron's daddy joked that Grandma
burnt the adult's stovies

Parcel the parcel, musical chairs
many games they did play
then birthday cake came out
and Cameron blew the flames away

A few more games, a few more songs
then everyone said bye
"Thank you everyone for coming,"
was Cameron's reply

Then through the snow we all drove home
and Cameron was sad
til he remembered the wii was there
and then was rather glad

After a game of Wii Swordplay
slicing legs and heads and ears
Cameron opened all his presents
and that was it for another year

Perce's butt

There once was a boy called Perce
who's farting was a curse
but whatever he tried
he just couldn't hide
the smell as it got worse

The last drop

It clung onto the branch for life. A child of the trees. The last of a thousand leaves. A destiny of mulchy brown sludge beneath orange skies, beckoned. The last drop to the roots of the slender Silver Birch.
From the first, fresh Spring rains it had blossomed, the earliest bud, yolking the branch of moisture and breathing in the heady energy of divine air. It had seen the warming glow of the summer sun, felt the patter of April showers, heard the drumbeat of hail, smelt the seasons on the breeze. Smelt all but one, all but winter. Its last wish, its dying wish was to see, hear, taste, touch and smell the last season of the year.
Steadfast and resolute, its purpose no longer to feed the tree with life giving breath, it chose to follow its own path. It clung on to the branch and wouldn't be shaken. No galeforce wind, no driving rain, no frost, no fog, no burning heat would make that leaf let go. It wanted to see snow. Then, as luck would have it, when all the trees stood bald and bare, the weather took a turn. A day of Autumn sun suddenly turned to a biting Winter frost-sharp and arresting. The little leaf, yellow with age, trembled in the chill air. And just as it drew its last gasp a delicate snowflake-brilliant, crystalline white-fluttered from the sky and landed on its tip. Now the leaf let go and like a cradle, it gently floated the snowflake to the ground-it's journey complete.

The twelfth disgusting day of Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas
my true love gave to me
twelve bulbous coldsores
eleven pus-filled nails
ten cheesy toes
nine encrusted bogies
eight projectile pukes
seven cabbage belches
six compound fractures
five eggy farts
four oozing gashes
three exploding boils
two snotty nostrils
and the chronic squits
from eating too much sweets

The eleventh disgusting day of Christmas

On the eleventh day of Christmas
my true love gave to me
eleven pus-filled nails
ten cheesy toes
nine encrusted bogies
eight projectile pukes
seven cabbage belches
six compound fractures
five eggy farts
four oozing gashes
three exploding boils
two snotty nostrils
and the chronic squits
from eating too much sweets

The tenth disgusting day of Christmas

On the tenth day of Christmas
my true love gave to me
ten cheesy toes
nine encrusted bogies
eight projectile pukes
seven cabbage belches
six compound fractures
five eggy farts
four oozing gashes
three exploding boils
two snotty nostrils
and the chronic squits
from eating too much sweets

The ninth disgusting day of Christmas

On the ninth day of Christmas
my true love gave to me
nine encrusted bogies
eight projectile pukes
seven cabbage belches
six compound fractures
five eggy farts
four oozing gashes
three exploding boils
two snotty nostrils
and the chronic squits
from eating too much sweets

The eighth disgusting day of Christmas

On the eighth day of Christmas
my true love gave to me
eight projectile pukes
seven cabbage belches
six compound fractures
five eggy farts
four oozing gashes
three exploding boils
two snotty nostrils
and the chronic squits
from eating too much sweets

The seventh disgusting day of Christmas

On the seventh day of Christmas
my true love gave to me
seven cabbage belches
six compound fractures
five eggy farts
four oozing gashes
three exploding boils
two snotty nostrils
and the chronic squits
from eating too much sweets