The Biggleswich Wars

The Brownie and Boy Scout clubs of Biggleswich have been sworn enemies for ten years. Their sour relationship began at an Annual Biggleswich Town Fair when they competed against each other in a tug-of-war contest. The outcome sparked a bitter war. Before the event started there had been much heckling with the Brownies calling the Scouts blue-capped sissies that couldn't win against a bunch of fleas and the Scouts saying the Brownies were so stupid they'd probably push the rope instead of pull it. Fortunately for the Brownies strength and wit were on their side and they triumphed after a close fought match. But the Brownies lacked grace in victory. They stuck their tongues out and blew raspberries at the defeated Scouts who were so enraged they swiped the Brownies gleaming trophy from the table and snapped it into bits, with each Scout taking a piece for themselves.
The Brownies declared war. They pulled the toggles from their neckties, threw them on the ground and began to chant a new version of the Brownie Guide song.

We're Brownie Guides, we're Brownie Guides
We're here to kill the scouts
We hate their guts and think they smell
We wanna knock them out
We're Brownie friends, we're brownie friends
We're never gonna stop
We're joined together in our wish
To hear their brains go pop

Over the years the legacy of hatred was passed down with each Brownie being inducted into a secret pact to 'smash their skulls, serve their heads on a silvery platter and help myself to their juicy innards', whilst the Scouts pledged 'to swing them about by their ratty pigtails and gouge out their eyes with a spoon'.

The war was quite brutal. During an outdoor pursuit day the Scouts tipped the Brownies archery arrows with explosive powder which resulted in the Brownies blowing up targets, a couple of pine trees and the 'Out N About' centre's equipment shed. The Brownies knew full well who was responsible and so retaliated when the Scouts went on a white water rafting expedition. They hid in the bushes and trees along the banks of the River Wes and when the Scouts were sufficiently far enough away from shore, cruising along singing sea shanties, the Brownies fired darts through thin pipes at the inflatable rafts. Before the Scouts new what was going on they were chest deep in the freezing cold river surrounded by floating oars and curious river rats.

On another occasion the Scouts sabotaged the Brownies trip to an outdoor production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves by letting the air out of the tyres of the Brownie bus. The Brownies flew into a rage. They swiped a box of matches from a camping equipment box in their store cupboard and set fire to the Scouts' entry into the county 'Megastructures' competition: a five foot high, lolly stick replica of the Taj Mahal. It went up like Guy Fawkes on bonfire night.

But the long and drawn out war came to a head one wintery day when a particularly virulent case of flu had wiped out all but one of the nursery nurses. Two Scouts and two Brownies were drafted in to help take care of its twenty preschoolers.

The day started, as expected with snippy comments and sneering looks during morning story time.
"You're gonna get it today, Bethanne. You're number's up," spat one of the Scouts as he pushed over the blonde-haired brownie beside him with a firm shunt of his shoulder.
"Not if we get you first, Clive," Beth snapped back giving him an even harder shove coupled with an elbow in the ribs.
Clive winced and bent over, rubbing his side. He turned toward Bethanne and snarled back at her.
But when story time was over battle commenced.
It started with plasticine balls-some small, some fully moulded into aliens, animals and other unidentifiable objects-being fired indiscriminately across the room, splattering against the walls, or smacking bare limbs with a thump and a wail. Then moved on to the paints with paint pot lids being hurled into the air and streamers of red, yellow, blue and green paint streaking across the room, like a colourful ribbon display. They splattered the floor, chairs, toys, dolls and the poor nursery nurse who tore across the room.
"That's it," she cried. "I've had enough of these toddlers. They're out of control. No amount of money is worth me putting up with this."
The brownies and scouts looked at each other dumbfounded that they had been abandoned. All they could do was grappled for anything they could use as a shield-oversized picture books, tea trays, cushions-as rubber cups, saucers, kettles, pots and pans came flying in their direction. Anything small enough to be picked up and hurled by a four year old had to be deflected by the Brownies and the Scouts. Once the kids had cleared the contents of the playhouse they hauled boxes of lego out from a cupboard-not just the small bricks, which were painful enough if one hit you in the eye or the tooth, but the pirate ship, the ghost castle, the aliens and the robots. The brownies and scouts hurriedly built themselves a barricade with as much furniture they could get their hands on and hemmed themselves in to a corner of the room.
"These kids are vicious, Campbell. I've got cuts on my leg from being stabbed with a plastic sabre," complained the dark haired brownie.
"That's nothing, Melanie. That ginger haired little runt over there bounced a bowling ball on my toes. I think he's broken them," said Campbell.
"If we don't do something we not going to get out of here alive."
"I've got an idea," said Bethanne. "You keep them occupied whilst I nip into the kitchen."
A few minutes later she returned with four inflated balloons, three rattling toy guns and a length of piping that stretched into the kitchen.
"When I say 'now' throw the balloons up into the air over the toddlers, then shoot them," she said handing the balloons and the guns to the others.
"What the kids?" said Campbell with a frown of disbelief.
"No, not the kids the balloons."
"These balloons are heavy. What's in them?" asked Melanie.
"You'll find out," replied Bethanne with a wry smile.
"And what about you? What are you going to do?" said Melanie.
"I'll be in the kitchen," she said.
The three ducked behind their barricade, dodging flying shoes and picture books, as Bethanne scuttled out of sight.
"Now," Bethanne called.
At that moment the brownies and scouts hurled their balloons into the air and pulled the trigger of their guns. Dried peas fired from the barrels and exploded the balloons causing a rain of flour to fall all over the toddlers.
The kids instantly stopped their reign of terror over the brownies and scouts and looked at each other. The ginger haired kid began laughing and pointing at his friends.
"Look, you're all covered in white," he said.
"So are you!" cried another.
Pretty soon all the toddlers were in fits of giggles, and when Bethanne turned on the taps in the kitchen and began spraying the toddlers with water they laughed even more. They stamped their feet, mixing the floury paste on the floor into the streaks of paint and smeared their faces and each others faces with the white gloop.
When the toddlers were sufficiently distracted Bethanne turned off the water.
"It worked," said Clive. "They've stopped throwing things at us."
"Quick let's get out of here before they start up again," said Campbell, as he launched himself over the barricade and out the main door.
Breathless, bruised and bloodied, the brownies and scouts looked at each other and smiled. Not a flicker of malice or hatred against each other graced their faces. They simply smiled and reached out their hands to shake on a truce.