Paddy the canine olympian

It's not often that you find dogs entering into the Olympics but in the year the Games were held in China the Olympic Committee decided to honour it a most unusual way. You see it happened to be the Year of the Dog, in the Chinese Zodiac and so decreed that one worthy dog would be allowed to compete in one of the games alongside humans.
The newspapers and television stations ridiculed the proposal saying the Committee was turning the Games into Crufts, but competitors and the public alike thought it was a marvelous idea.
From all over the world dogs of all breeds, colours and countries were entered into the games; running, swimming and jumping alongside humans. But of all of them one competitor stood out. His name was Paddy and he had three legs.
Officials overseeing the 100m race were hesitant about Paddy competing against able bodied humans in that class but Paddy's owner, Leyla, protested that Paddy was the best in his class.
"He's the fastest dog in Scotland," she said.
"He's only got three legs," replied the race co-ordinator.
"That's not what makes him fast," Leyla said confidently.
The race co-ordinator chuckled beneath his breath. Leyla was incensed, but simply patted Paddy on the head and snatched Paddy's numbered jacket from the co-ordinator's hand.
"I believe in you," she muttered to a nonchalant Paddy.
Moments before the race began Paddy's gut began to rumble. He could feel something brewing deep down inside. It was a slightly familiar feeling that he usually got after particularly meaty meal, but something was different.
When the starter asked the competitors to line up Paddy took to his mark. Grumble, rumble, rumble, gurgle, went his gut.
"Get, set" yelled the starter.
The very moment the starter fired the starting gun Paddy's gut erupted into the loudest, most powerful and windy fart he had ever let rip. So powerful was it, that it propelled him down the race track at lightening speed, setting a new course, and world record in the process.
If it wasn't for the track barrier Paddy would have gone much further but as it was he crashed straight into it to a sudden and dizzying halt.
The crowds were on their feet, cheering and clapping for the new Olympic Hero.
Paddy smiled proudly and licked the remnants of his cabbage and baked bean dinner from his lips.

A very woolly idea!

"Jamie!" screeched Jamie's mother. "Get your backside down here and mow that lawn."
Jamie pulled his duvet over his head to muffle the sound of her drumbeat voice.
"I can't mum, my legs hurt," he mumbled.
"No excuses, Jamie. When I come back from work today I want that lawn so neat and trim you could use it as a putting green."
The last thing Jamie heard was the front door slam shut.
The race was now on. The only thing was Jamie hated mowing the lawn. Every Spring, Summer and Autumn he had to mow the lawn every fortnight. This year, however, he had a secret weapon.
He leapt out of bed, threw on his clothes and ran into the garden. It took him a good ten minutes to wade through the two foot high grass to get to the back fence, where he put his plan into action. With a set of wire clippers he cut the down the fence and waited for the inevitable woolly stampede.
Sure enough the lure of the lush green, weed-riddled grass was too much for the residents of the field and before Jamie knew it an entire flock of sheep were busily munching on his mother's lawn.
By six in the evening the lawn was as smooth as silk, and riddled with sheep poo.
"That'll do nicely," said Jamie, proudly.

Don't trust your imagination

It was the best invention Milo had ever come up with. Far better than the automated dog walker or the self cleaning hamster cage. He marvelled at his computer chip creation; 'Jerry the homework completer'.
On the first day of term he fired Jerry up, ready to do his duty. He pressed the start button, watched as Jerry's arms jerked into life and his glassy eyes turned from cold black to electric blue.
"First assignment, please," said Jerry in a monotone, tinny voice.
Milo handed Jerry his homework diary, his english text book, a pad of lined paper and a pen.
Within three minutes Jerry had scrawled words across two pages; the answers to three questions on Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.
"Cheers, Jerry," Milo said as he took the pages from Jerry's tweezer fingers.
Milo had high hopes. He knew it was risky, not just because Jerry's handwriting didn't match his own but that he had no idea if Jerry had provided plausible answers to his essay questions. Not too accurate, but accurate enough to gain a good grade. He knew he wasn't the brightest light in the room when it came to arts. He was better at science. So he never bothered to read what Jerry had written before he handed it in.
When the moment came for Mrs Norris to hand back the essays Milo felt his palms get sweaty. His heart quickened and his breath became rapid and shallow. He was sure he'd been caught out. As Mrs Norris walked towards him a wry smile formed on her face.
"Well, well, Milo," she said. "Your essay was the biggest surprise of all, especially as it was the same sentence written over and over again."

Queenie

There once was a girl called Queenie
who was a troublesome genie
she lived in a lamp
that was so terribly cramped
it squished her til she was quite teeny

A cure for snoring

There once was a boy called Torr
who every night he did snore
in total despair
his sister grabbed his hair
and dragged him into the house next door

Sticky Willy

There once was a boy called Willy
who was so incredibly sticky
he spent all his days
rolling in stones and hay
but found picking them off was quite tricky

Freestyle mutt

Little dancer
furry paws
if he had feathers
he would soar

Graceful doggie
he's a winner
if he keeps on going
he'll be gettin' thinner

He does salsa
he does ballet
adding ballroom
to his tally

Wish my talent
could compete
but I'm cursed with having
two bungling left feet

An unfortunate incident

There once was a boy called Brefyl
who often was very forgetful
when he got to his school
he felt quite the fool
forgetting to dress was regretful

A croaky problem

There once was a man called Morse
whose voice was incredibly hoarse
it took time to work out
what was causing this bout
but a frog in his throat was the source

A fishy tale

There once was a girl called Trish
whose favourite pet was a fish
she loved it a ton
and dreamed to be one
one morn she woke and got her wish

Collection of scabs

What do you do with your scabs
when you pick them from your skin
flick them at annoying girls
or stick them in the bin

Or perhaps you store them in a jar
to compare with your best mate
who'll claim he had far more
that your little jar of eight

Or maybe you just sprinkle them
over your sister's beans
trying to repulse her
by any way or means

But whatever you do with them
never must you fear
as long as you have cuts and scraps
your scabs will heal you clear

Pretty Paris

When Paris Harris bat her lashes
boys came flocking to her side
they buzzed like bees around her
there was nowhere she could hide

'Oh woe is me' she said plainly
'for this affliction set on me,
to have a face so pretty
everybody wants to see'

But then one day a stranger
walked bold into her math class
a new girl who went by the name
of Becky-Lee Bluegrass

Becky-Lee with tight blonde curls
and eyes of sparkling blue
stole all the boys' advances
and made Paris number two

Canteen chaos

It started with an accident
Kay slipped on orange jelly
her dinner tray flew through the air
and landed on Bill's belly

He was angry at being smeared
with chips and tomato sauce
so what do you think he did?
retaliate, of course

Bill grabbed a dumpling in his hand
threw it across the room
where it splattered on the head
of Catriona Bloom

Catriona screamed and swept
the trays off her dinner table
sending glasses of ribena
spraying over Mabel

Mabel leapt up on her feet
it gave her quite a fright
but then a smile drew on her face
and screeched 'lunchtime food fight'

Carrot top

Suki Bonner bet her brother
to eat carrots for a week
Ramsay Bonner was quite honoured
to prove he wasn't meek

Determindly and quite gladly
he took on the great challenge
but ate so much, like a rabbit in a hutch
his skin turned bright orange

Mutiny of the bunny

The easter bunnies had enough
of carrying their eggs
so heavy were they in their bags
they tired out their legs

So mutiny they did one year
refused to do their work
collected all the eggs
and considered them a perk

With buddha bellies they sat proud
full till they were sick
chocolate coated whiskers
with their tongues they did lick

Though they were proud of their haul
they felt so awfully guilty
about the children who lost out
on their Easter booty

Kermit the hermit

Kermit was a hermit
who lived inside a shell
he wouldn't come outside
until someone rang his bell

He didn't have friends
or any family
he lived all alone
feeling melancholy

Then one day the churning sea
washed him out of his house
where he met another hermit
who became his lifelong spouse

Able Mabel

Mabel had a special talent
her arms and legs were rubber
she could stretch them like elastic
and wibble them like blubber

They came in very handy
when her mother locked them out
she'd squeeze her arms through the letter box
and twist the lock about

But in the middle of the night
she'd twist and turn in bed
and wake up in the morning
with her arms tied round her head

Fluff Happy

Fluff Happy was afflicted with
a gaseous behind
it was the most explosive
you could ever hope to find

Wherever he did go he cracked
the most repellent farts
so toxic and so smelly
people fled to other parts

He tried so hard to change his ways
stopped eating sprouts and beans
but no matter what he did
his bum was still a fart machine

Trees and bushes began to wilt
people's hair fell out
nothing within fifty miles
of Fluff would ever sprout

Til one day an inventor
said that Fluff could be a source
his bum could power factories
and save the planet, of course!

Flat Kat

There once was a girl called Katticus
who thought she was a platypus
she jumped in a pool
oh my what a fool
with no water inside she was SPLATypus

Bill the beetle

Bill the beetle travelled
quite a long way from his home
inside a box of bananas
for so long he did roam

A giant of the rainforest
an endangered little bug
when he arrived in London
people there could only shrug

It was a shock that he survived
the chemicals and cold
but hardbacked Bill was mighty tough
with guts that made him bold

From there he went to Cambridge
and into an insect zoo
where keepers could make sure
that old Bill made a friend or two