The Imaginary Scrapbook

Paddy the canine olympian

2010-08-31T08:00:00.000-07:00

It's not often that you find dogs entering into the Olympics but in the year the Games were held in China the Olympic Committee decided to honour it a most unusual way. You see it happened to be the Year of the Dog, in the Chinese Zodiac and so decreed that one worthy dog would be allowed to compete in one of the games alongside humans.
The newspapers and television stations ridiculed the proposal saying the Committee was turning the Games into Crufts, but competitors and the public alike thought it was a marvelous idea.
From all over the world dogs of all breeds, colours and countries were entered into the games; running, swimming and jumping alongside humans. But of all of them one competitor stood out. His name was Paddy and he had three legs.
Officials overseeing the 100m race were hesitant about Paddy competing against able bodied humans in that class but Paddy's owner, Leyla, protested that Paddy was the best in his class.
"He's the fastest dog in Scotland," she said.
"He's only got three legs," replied the race co-ordinator.
"That's not what makes him fast," Leyla said confidently.
The race co-ordinator chuckled beneath his breath. Leyla was incensed, but simply patted Paddy on the head and snatched Paddy's numbered jacket from the co-ordinator's hand.
"I believe in you," she muttered to a nonchalant Paddy.
Moments before the race began Paddy's gut began to rumble. He could feel something brewing deep down inside. It was a slightly familiar feeling that he usually got after particularly meaty meal, but something was different.
When the starter asked the competitors to line up Paddy took to his mark. Grumble, rumble, rumble, gurgle, went his gut.
"Get, set" yelled the starter.
The very moment the starter fired the starting gun Paddy's gut erupted into the loudest, most powerful and windy fart he had ever let rip. So powerful was it, that it propelled him down the race track at lightening speed, setting a new course, and world record in the process.
If it wasn't for the track barrier Paddy would have gone much further but as it was he crashed straight into it to a sudden and dizzying halt.
The crowds were on their feet, cheering and clapping for the new Olympic Hero.
Paddy smiled proudly and licked the remnants of his cabbage and baked bean dinner from his lips.

An unfortunate growth

2010-08-09T12:34:00.000-07:00

There once was a young girl called Gail
who had the world's longest thumb nail
it stretched through her front door
and down to the shore
where it got caught in stringy sea kale

A voluminous beard

2010-08-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

There once was an old man called Geard
who had a long, grey, bushy beard
in it he could hide
an African tribe
and the elephant they had just speared

Tales from Grimwold: Looking skyward

2010-08-07T10:44:00.000-07:00

Kelan Pickle was so short even the ants looked down on him. It made for a very stressful and terrifying life, as almost everything he encountered was big enough to eat him; flies, beetles, spiders, and heaven forbid he ever met a mouse. That would be unthinkable. He could never out run a mouse. So rather than risk inevitable death he spent his time hiding under rocks by a trickling stream.
Kelan hadn't always been small. He was once the tallest ten year old boy in all of Grimwold. The prize of the Wizard of Galdorgalere. Not that the wizard cared particularly about that. The wizard was more interested in the fact that Kelan had another talent. He was a superb cook. Kelan had a talent for mixing the strangest of ingredients to make the finest of foods. He was simply incomparable to other cooks. But like all of the Wizard's employees he wasn't there of his own volition.
When news of Kelan's talents spread to the Wizard when Kelan was only eight years old, the wizard enticed him to his castle. The wizard claimed he had herbs and spices that Kelan had never even heard of. Dazzled by the idea of trying new flavours Kelan ignored his mothers's advice not to go with strangers and agreed to go with the wizard. But once he was there he was never able to leave. The wizard had put magic shackles round Kelan's ankles and chained him to his kitchen.Nothing would cut through the chains. Not knife, not cleaver, not axe.
Then one day the wizard accidentally left a box of potions in the kitchen after he'd reprimanded the washerboy because he couldn't see his reflection in his plates. Kelan saw his opportunity and threw a dish rag over the box to hide it. When the wizard left he snatched the box from the table and stashed it in the cupboard. When night fell and all were asleep, Kelan sneaked from his wooden cot in the corner of the kitchen and pulled the box from the cupboard. Each of the five vials in the box had writing on it but because Kelan couldn't read he had no idea what they did. Kelan didn't care. If he could use them to weaken the wizard's powers for long enough he might be able to free himself from his bondage.
Through the night he made his best Pelham Pie-the wizard's favourite dish-and tipped in every last drop of all the vials.
The next day, when the noon sun was blazing down, Kelan presented the wizard with his pie and watched as the wizard chomped his way through the crisp crust to the meaty potion beneath. When the wizard and licked the bowl clean Kelan saw his plan start to work.
The wizard sprouted bunny ears, his nose grew longer and crooked, his feet turned into horse hooves and he started to squawk like a chicken.
Whilst the wizard, perplexed by his sudden transformation, tried to overcome the forces controlling him Kelan snuck out of the wizard's long dining room and set to work trying free himself from his chains. He grabbed the wood axe by the fire and began smashing the metal blade against his ankle chain. As sparks flew into the air the wizard burst into the kitchen; his face contorted with rage and his bloodshot eyes bulging from his skull.
"Treacherous dog!" he growled, as he flicked the bunny ears from over his eyes.
Kelan frantically hammered the axe onto his chains, hoping one of the blows would smash through the metal before the wizard could unleash his powers.
"From now on you will pay for this betrayal," the wizard continued and raise a shaking arm that now looked more like a dog's paw. Clutched in his claws was his gnarled wand.
Kelan knew what was about to come and realised he'd been defeated. There was no escape now. All he did was close his eyes and wait for the escape of death. He half expected a brilliant white light when finally he opened his eyes again, but instead found he was still in the kitchen. Or at least he thought it was the kitchen. Everything in it was now a hundred times bigger than it was before. Even grains of dirt on the ground were like boulders he had to clamber over.
All around him were the huge, rusty links of the chains that once encircled his ankles, and there, looming over him with his long purple moustache and cloth cap, was the wicked wizard. A wry smile drew across his face.
"By making you as small as a nat," said the wizard, "I inflict on you the worst kind of punishment, for now you shall never be able to work your magic in the kitchen and will be forced to survive on dirt and dust. I would step on you like I do other insects but that would be too kind."
And with a deep chuckle that shook the ground Kelan stood on, the wizard stomped out of the kitchen and left Kelan alone in his new world.

The big issue

2010-08-06T12:57:00.000-07:00

There once was a girl called Rose
who had a large growth on her nose
but compared to her butt
which was stuck in a rut
it wasn't the worst of her woes

Pepper

2010-08-02T03:13:00.000-07:00

It wasn't every day that Pepper saw a tree in the living room of his house. But when it appeared, one blizzarding day, his heart struck an extra beat and his eyes widened to the size of tennis balls. The twinkling lights drapped across the boughs, the glittery balls dangling from branches, the promise of delights to come; he knew exactly what it meant for him, all he had to do was wait.
Every day as he lay down at the foot of the tree, staring up at the little red and white man twirling around on string, he waited for the floor to be piled high with boxes wrapped in brightly coloured, wafer-thin paper. Why was it there? he pondered. Was it lonely? Did it need a home? Or perhaps it was cold. That at least would explain why it was inside when the wind howled outside and the ground turned white.
He knew how that felt; to be confined to a small part of the garden, hemmed in by a metal fence with no shelter. Memories from long ago. But now nothing could taint his excitement.
Patiently he sat and on the seventh day, when he cracked open his sleepy, sticky eyes and lifted his head of his tartan, hairy rug he saw before him a pile of glimmering boxes piled randomly on top of one another.
He leapt off his rug and bounded into his carers' bedroom, throwing open the door with a headbutt.
Pepper's carers sat bolt up right in bed. He knew he'd woken them both suddenly by the rasping of their voices, the whites of their eyes and their heavy breathing, but that didn't matter. They called out to him with sounds incomprehensible and furrowed brows. Pepper just stood at the foot of the bed, staring at one and then the other with his jaw open, his lips curled into an eager smile and his tongue lolling like a limp piece of ham from the side of his mouth.
'Gimme, gimme,' he thought. 'Please, please.'
There weren't many sounds he understood but 'Come on then, Pepper,' usually meant they'd given in to his will. This time it was no different. The stockier of his carers pulled back the sheets and led Pepper back through to the lounge. Pepper scuttled alongside him and dashed toward the tree where he sat down, panting and glancing down at the presents and up at his bare, pink-skinned carer.
"You want your presents already?" he said.
Pepper just stared back at him.
"Fine," said his carer as he reached into the multi-coloured pile and pulled out two odd-shaped packages wrapped in wrinkled paper.
Pepper began to salivate. He knew what it was. He could almost taste it, almost feel the hairy texture on his tongue.
"Now," said his carer, waggling the present in front of Pepper's eyes. "At least make it last longer than a day as the ladies at the charity shop are getting suspicious of me. If they knew I bought these for you to tear up they'd never let me in their store again."
More incomprehensible sounds.
His carer handed Pepper the present, and Pepper gently clasped his mouth round the soft package.
When his carer was out of sight he thumped his body on the floor, gripped the packaged between his fore paws and frantically tore through the crisp wrapping, exposing the orange and black striped beast inside.
It had four bulbous paws, two pointed ears, a lolling red tongue and large, black plastic eyes. That's what Pepper liked the most; eyes not so big that he couldn't get his mouth round it and too small to find either.
He plucked the unsuspecting tiger from the shreds of soggy paper and gripped it between his paws.
But just as he was about to begin earnestly gouging out the black eyes with his teeth, something stopped him. The hopeful smile on the tiger's face, the piercing stare of its eyes, the eagerness of its pricked ears spoke to him silently.
Pepper could feel its warmth radiating off its fur, enveloping him like the warm comforting arms of his carer.
He tried to fight back the unfamiliar feeling, trying to tap into his deep desire, his fixation with pulling the ribbons white fluff from its squashy body-the white gold he so desperately craved-but its soothing force was stronger than he could overcome. All he could do was stare at it staring back at him.
He was defeated. He knew he could no more pluck the stuff from that toy than he could his carers. So instead he simply rested his chin upon its head and made sure it never left his side.

It's sum-mer

2010-08-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

Pitter patter, coming down
Summer rain lands on the ground
Wash away the cloudy day
make way for the sun to play

Sound of mowers, smell of grass
fresh cut flowers in a vase
sprinklers swaying to and fro
let's get wet jump through the flow

Squeals and shouts, soaked to the skin
parents shouting "quiet that din!"
sister reaches for the hose
and sprays her brother up the nose

Determination

2010-07-09T12:59:00.000-07:00

when all else fails
dig deep inside
retrieve the strength
you always hide

you have it in you
to pull through
you know just what
you have to do

don't take to heart
the sly remarks
thrown around
like playing darts

rise above
the mockery
you're better than
you think you'll be

set you sights
upon the prize
and strive to reach
those all time highs

In the attic

2010-06-16T15:27:00.000-07:00

The fresh topic of discussion at school had moved from Miss Harris's bird's nest hair do to the cool new website that took photos of your street. All day kids were logging on, checking out the streets of Bickertown.
Tyler was desperate to check out his house, to show off his parent's palacial pad. But his pleas to the kids in the locker room to look at his laptop were drowned out by the guffaws coming from the crowd surrounding Gavin Baxter.
"It's Mickey Finn," said one kid. "On Morrison Street."
"Who's he snoggin'?" said another.
"I reckon it's Penny. She's the only girl I know that piles her hair on her head like a pineapple."
Tyler left the locker room during the chorus of snickers.
When he got home that afternoon the nagging curiosity of seeing his house online drew him to log onto his computer. He entered his address, clicked the mouse and up popped an image of the outside of his house. But the novelty of the innovation quickly wore off when, on closer inspection, he saw a face in the attic window that didn't belong to any of his family.

The face in the window

2010-06-15T13:40:00.000-07:00

Bebe's only company was the face in her bedroom window. It was never there during the day, it only appeared at night. Wispy and faint and with pigtails like hers, it spoke to her, with a warm, strawberry smile. It told her tales of life on the high seas, made her laugh with jokes and entertained her with magic tricks. It sped up time, filling the lonely gaps in her solitary life whilst her mother cocooned her in the house.
"Protection from the wicked world," her mother said.
She was happy there, with all she knew, until one day her mother forgot to lock her bedroom door.
A gust of wind, that blew up from the floor below whistled down the corridor and clicked her bedroom door open.
Bebe was too curious to stay inside, yet apprehensive of what lay beyond her world.
She tiptoed to the door, not wanting to stir what lay on the other side and found herself in a long room with steps that led down. The room was lit with flickering lights on the wall and was as sparsely furnished as her plain room. There was only a table, a little way in front of her, and what looked like a window on the wall above it. But it was a strange window. It's frame was oval and rolled in gold.
And when she approached it the face in her window appeared before her.
"Emmy!" she said, delightedly at the smiling face staring back at her.
"You're looking at your reflection," snorted her mother, from the stairs.

Curiosity killed the cat

2010-06-14T11:47:00.000-07:00

Janie Johns had always been far to nosy for her own good. When told not to do something, she always did the opposite, like the time Mickey Grayling in Year 1 told her about Mr Vincent's back garden cemetary-or what he believed was a cemetary. Janie just couldn't help herself. She had to take a look. She had to be the one to prove the rumours. True, or false, the outcome didn't matter.
That time she got away with it, but her luck was about to run out.
It had been a while since she visited her Great Aunt Violet. Janie didn't do relations, but as she was on her death bed Janie's mother dragged Janie along for her last visit.
While she was there she overheard her Great Aunt talking to her mother.
"There's something I need you to do, Flora," croaked Aunt Violet. "There's something in the attic I need you to get. I need you to destroy it. It's important."
Janie could tell Aunt Violet was anxious. Her desperate, spluttered speech, her deeply wrinkled frown. Whatever was up there Janie wanted to see it before her mother did.
She listened closer.
"Of course, Violet, anything," replied her mother.
"Jig Saw," were the last words Aunt Violet uttered before her last gasp of breath.
Janie ran upstairs, choosing to find what she shouldn't rather than console her whimpering mother.
She crept up the wooden ladder and flipped over the attic hatch.
There lying on the floor of the empty attic, bathed in the orange glow of the setting sun, streaming in through the window, was a flat box. Janie brushed the dust from the cover.
'Jig Saw', were the words fainted scribed on the box.
"Why was she so worked up about this?" Janie crowed as she prised off the lid. "It's just a box, full of bits of jigsaw."
Janie tipped them up onto the dusty attic floor, but as she tried to sort them out, flipping each one over to its picture side, she noticed that all the pieces were blank.
"That's weird," she said and tried to clip two together.
As the pieces interlocked part of a picture formed on the surface of both of them.
"Wow," Janie gasped. "It must be magic."
Eagerly, Janie put the pieces together, matching the shapes as best she could. As she did the picture took shape in front of her eyes.
She couldn't tell what it was a first as the colours were too muted-soft browns, tans, creams and oranges, blending in with each other. But working her way from the edge of the jigsaw inwards she noticed the picture forming was of an empty room. The lower half of a person was next to form-a person crouched with their back towards her. Above the person was a shiny object, curved and sharp, glinting in the sunlight.
As Janie's mother called to her from below Janie shakily placed the last two pieces of the jigsaw and realised to her horror, it was a picture of her in the attic.

Elspeth's revenge (part 2-end)

2010-06-11T13:50:00.000-07:00

Angelina put her arm round Elspeth’s shoulder making her feel instantly more relaxed and safe.
The room was exactly what Angelina said it was going to be, quiet. It was tucked some distance from the main kitchen so the noise of shouting voices and clanking of pots and pans had become a faint mumble.
“Well first things first. I think we should put Molly up on this shelf. Otherwise she’ll get covered in flour, butter and chocolate chips.”
Elspeth giggled at the thought of her dolly made to look like a cookie and handed the doll to Angelina.
“Next we have to get the ingredients,” she announced as she walked into a dark little room of to the side. Moments later she returned clutching packets of flour, baking powder, butter, brown sugar, a jar of honey, an egg, a small bottle of vanilla essence and assorted packets of milk, plain, white and multi-coloured chocolate chips and plopped them onto the chrome work surface.
“Now, we need to weigh out 6oz of flour,” Angelina said as she grabbed a large metal weighing scale. “Here, you can do the honours for me. You need to put the flour in that tray there until this little arm comes to this marker,” she continued, pointing to the dial on the face of the scale.
Elspeth did as Angelina asked as watched the little arm carefully as it rose up towards the marker.
“How’s that?” Elspeth said proudly.
“Excellent job. Now tip it into the bowl and do the same with the butter and the sugar but we only need 4oz each of those, so the arm should come to there. Okay?”
“Yep,” Elspeth replied, opened the bag of sugar and poured it into the tray, concentrating so hard her tongue poked out of the side of her mouth. When she’d weighed out the sugar she poured it into the bowl and did the same with the butter.
“You know when mum and dad come back I’m going to ask if you can come to dad’s dinner party.”
“Are you sure you’re allowed to invite staff to that. I’m sure its bound to be a very posh affair.”
“No, not as a guest, silly. To help. You could carry those large plates they have with the can of peas on them.”
“Don’t you mean canapés?
“That’s what I said. Can of peas, silly, you’re not listening.”
“I’m sorry. But anyway helping isn’t nearly as good as being a guest.”
“But you’re not royalty or even important. You can’t expect to go if you’re not royal or important. It’s not allowed.”
“I suppose you’re right but it’s the only way of really enjoying a party. If you’ve been invited I mean,” Angelina said as she measured out two tablespoons of honey and two of baking powder and added them to the bowl along with a pinch of salt, a dash of vanilla essence, a whisked egg and a packet of milk chocolate chips. “Now we mix it all together,” she continued. “So have you been to any of these parties yourself?”
“Oh no. I’m much to young. They don’t let me. But I did sneak downstairs one night when dad had invited guests. I watched them from the bottom of the stairs. They’d all been drinking that red berry juice and were making a lot of noise. Singing loudly and out of tune and dancing about. Well, I think they we’re meant to be dancing. They were wobbly about like this,” Elspeth explained as she held her arms out and wobbled on her legs as though they were made of jelly. “Then mum saw me and came rushing over. Her eyes looked all glassy and she had a big grin on her face. And she called over someone she called the ‘Pry Minstrel’.”
“I think you mean Prime Minister.”
“That’s what I said. Anyway, he bowed at me and I felt very important.”
“Did you now?” Angelina replied, biting her lip as a little snigger escaped her lips. “Okay, I think this is sufficiently mixed up. Now we need to put it on the tray.”
Angelina showed Elspeth how to plop the mixture onto the baking tray to cook, and as Elspeth continued she made up a fresh batch of cookies with plain chocolate chips, then another with white chocolate chips and the last with the multi-coloured chips.
“There, all done. Now we pop them in the oven and wait till they’re cooked.”
Elspeth clapped her hands with glee.
“Now for the fairy cakes,” Angelina said walking over to the store cupboard again.
Elspeth watched as Angelina disappeared into the darkness. She half wanted to follow her, curious to see what it was like inside with all the packets and boxes and jars and bottles, but after the time she hid in Sophie’s wardrobe to spy on her sister and accidentally jammed the door shut, she was a little apprehensive. So she waited until Angelina emerged clutching more ingredients.
By the time they’d weighed and stirred the mixture, ready to go into baking trays that had little wells sunk into them, a loud buzzing sounded. It took Elspeth by surprise and she jumped in the air and clasped her hands round her ears.
“It’s okay,” Angelina reassured as she reached for the oven gloves. “It’s only the cooker. It means our cookies are ready.”
She pulled out the trays and put the fairy cakes in the oven to cook and busily showed Elspeth how to make the buttercream mixture that went on top.
When the buzzer on the cooker went a second time Elspeth knew exactly what it meant and instead of jumping in alarm she dashed to the oven, and eagerly waited for Angelina to bring them out.
“They look really tasty,” she said, her mouth watering as the smell of warm, sweet sponge wafted in the air.
“Now we have to cut the tops of, put the buttercream on top and then,” Angelina said as she showed Elspeth what she meant. “We cut the tops in half, like so, and put them on top of the buttercream like this, so they look like little wings. And there we have a fairy cake.”
“Wow. They look really pretty. Let me do some.”
Half an hour later they were finished, exhausted and covered in flour, cream and butter. Elspeth laughed at her reflection in the mirror that hung on the wall above the sink. She had a dollop of buttercream on the tip of her nose, a dusting of flour in her hair, and chocolate round her mouth after she’d slyly guzzled one of the freshly cooked cookies.
“I think we should take these up to Sophie’s room, with some lemonade,” Angelina announced.
“Perfect,” Elspeth chimed with a broad grin.
When they reached Sophie’s room, Elspeth grabbed a table and laid the cookies, fairy cakes, three glasses and the bottle of lemonade on the table whilst Angelina kept watch by the door to see if Sophie was approaching. No sooner had Elspeth finished than Angelina rushed in.
“She’s coming!”
Elspeth spun round the table and rushed towards the door just as Sophie was about to enter her bedroom.
“Close your eyes, close your eyes!”
“Why? What have you done? I might have guessed it, Elspeth. Just because I wouldn’t let you come with me you decided to trash my room. Well if anything’s broken you going to get it.”
“Close your eyes, please Sophie!”
“Fine. Okay. Whatever.”
“Now come this way,” Elspeth said as she grabbed her sister’s arm and dragged her across the room so abruptly it was a wonder her sister didn’t trip over herself. But Elspeth was too excited to care what she was doing. She just wanted to show her sister what she’d done.
“Now you can open your eyes,” Elspeth said clapping her hands with glee.
She looked up at her sister who clasped her hands together as though in prayer and held them to her lips. She didn’t utter a word.
Elspeth’s heart began to sink, thinking her sister didn’t like what she’d done.
Sophie walked up to the table, with Elspeth close to her side never taking her eyes of her sister’s face, eagerly awaiting a reaction.
“Is this for me?” Sophie said softly as the corners of her mouth rose to a gentle smile.
Elspeth nodded with delight.
“You made these?” Sophie asked pointing to the cookies and fairy cakes on the table.
“With a little help from my new friend, Angelina,” Elspeth replied pointing to Angelina who stood as inconspicuously as she could by the bedroom door. “We’ve been in the kitchen all day making them. See there are fairy cakes and cookies, some with plain chocolate, some with white and some multi-coloured but we made most of them with milk chocolate as I know you like them best.”
Elspeth’s tone suddenly changed when she remembered how she’d started the day, before Angelina had suggested baking, and suddenly felt pangs of guilt in the pit of her stomach. Tears welled in her eyes and her lower lip quivered as she burst out crying and threw her arms around her sister’s waist, burying her head in the folds of her dress.
“Hey, what’s wrong with you?” Sophie said sympathically.
But Elspeth didn’t answer. She clung onto her sister as though her life depended on it, refusing to let go. Finally, she lifted her head up, her eyes stinging from the tears and summoned the courage to confess to her sister.
“I was going to break all your dolls. Once you’d left I pulled them all off the shelf and started pulling their arms and legs off. I would have carried on too if it wasn’t for Angelina.”
“Well you didn’t. So there’s no harm done,” Sophie said bending down to kiss the top of her sister’s head. “Why don’t you invite your friend to join us? Seeing as she made these too I think it’s only fair she gets to enjoy them.”
Elspeth lifted her head, smiled and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her dress before looking towards the door where Angelina was stood, but there was no-one there.
“She’s gone!” Elspeth cried and rushed to the door to look up and down the corridor, but she’d gone.
“She must have gone back to the kitchens, Elspeth. Don’t worry.”
Solemnly, Elspeth walked back to the table and half-heartedly munched on one of the fairy cakes, getting the tip of her nose covered in buttercream in the process but not caring in the slightest.
“This was my revenge, you know?”
“Revenge? Was it really?” Sophie said sinking her teeth into the largest milk chocolate chip cookie she could find. “Well if that’s the case then I’m going to have to leave you more often.”
Elspeth glowered at her.
“Only kidding, sis!” Sophie said and wiped the buttercream from Elspeth’s nose.

Elspeth's revenge (part 1)

2010-06-10T13:49:00.000-07:00

It started of as being a pretty uneventful week for Elspeth. Her parents, the King and Queen, had left days earlier leaving her and her elder sister, Sophie, in the care of their Nanny and Tutor, Delilah. Elspeth didn’t care much for Delilah. She hated the fact that she would wake her at the crack of dawn each day for reading, writing, sums and tests. It was all boring and pointless she thought and resented it all the more when the sun shone brilliantly outside and all she wanted to do was get out there and play with their dogs, pick flowers and make daisy chains. So it was extremely fortunate for her when one morning Delilah tripped down the grand staircase and broke both her legs leaving her and her sister in the care of the servants.
For Elspeth and Sophie this was the most perfect situation they could ever have imagined they’d be in; their parents were away, their guardian incarcerated in the local hospital and a huge Palace to explore at their leisure.
“Seeing as mum and dad are away for a while now is the perfect opportunity for some exploration,” Sophie said delightedly as she added the Greek doll her mother had brought back from her recent trip, to her collection on the shelf above her bed.
“That sounds like a fab idea. I’m coming too,” Elspeth said jumping up and down in excitement.
“You can’t,”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m the eldest so I’m in charge and I say that you should stay here and finish your homework. I’m going to explore the North Tower. Mum and Dad never let us go up there and I want to know why,” Sophie demanded.
“That’s not fair. I want to see the North Tower too.”
“Well you can’t. You’re too young and it might be dangerous so you’ll just have to stay.”
“You can’t make me Sophie and if you do I’ll tell mum on you.”
“And if you tell mum on me I’ll tell her who broke her precious china hand mirror. You know, the one with the roses on the edges.”
“I didn’t mean to break it. I just wanted to look at it. That’s all,” Elspeth huffed.
“Well then you’d best keep quiet hadn’t you,” Sophie said pointedly and waltzed out of the room.
Elspeth couldn’t believe the nerve of her sister. ‘How come she gets to go and I don’t. It’s not fair,’ she thought and folded her arms, screwed up her face and proceeded to kick anything across the floor that was in reach of her foot.
While teddy bears, dolls and plastic horses flew across the room Elspeth failed to notice a young palace maid, had entered and was standing in the doorway, nervously awaiting a moment to address the little princess.
“Excuse me, my lady,” the young maid said. “Can I be of service to you?
“No,” she snapped. “Unless you can get me another sister.”
The maid paused, unsure how to answer her, or if she should answer her at all. After what seemed like an eternity she cautiously asked:
“Are you not happy with the one you have?”
“No,” she snapped again, louder. The sharpness in her tone made the maid jump. “What’s your name anyway?”
“Angelina, my lady.”
“How old are you, Angelina?” she enquired as she stopped kicking toys around, reached for her sister’s collection of dolls on the shelf and began to pull the heads, legs and arms of them.
“Eighteen, my lady,”
“Do you want to be my new sister?” she asked, smiling with delight at how
easy it was to decapitate them.
“I don’t think your mum and dad would like that too much?”
“Why not? You’re much prettier than her and I bet you’d be a better sister. She’s always bossing me around. I never get to have any fun,” she huffed as she reached for a blue felt tip pen and began drawing glasses and bushy moustaches on the decapitated dolls’ heads.
“May I ask what are you doing?”
“Destroying all Sophie’s toys,” she said bluntly as though it should have been obvious to Angelina. “She wouldn’t let me go with her to investigate the North Tower. I wanted to. I wanted to so much. Nasty, evil, horrid sister. She said it was too dangerous and I should stay here finish my homework. But I’ll show her. I’ll show here good and proper. When she comes back and sees these she’s be sorry she didn’t take me with her. Anyway it’s none of your business. I can do what I want.”
“I suppose you can but don’t you think that revenge is a little wicked and spiteful?” the maid protested.
“Raven-jar?” said Elspeth, frowning with confusion. “What kind of word is that?”
“No, not raven-jar. Rev-enge,” Angelina explained, saying the word slowly so Elspeth could understand.
“Well, whatever. She’s got it coming to her. She knew I’d be annoyed she left me, so there.”
“Well if that’s the case then she knows that you’re going to do something to get her back right?”
“Suppose so, yeah,” Elspeth muttered.
“So why don’t you do something that she won’t expect you to do.”
Elspeth thought for a moment or two. She looked up at the dolls on the shelf that were yet to be dismembered and back at the maid.
“What did you have in mind?” she asked curious to know what could possibly be more gratifying than destroying her sister’s prized collection of dolls.
“Well we could start by putting all the legs and arms back on the right dolls,” Angelina said.
“What!” Elspeth said glowering at Angelina.
“Then we’ll clean up the dolls’ faces,” Angelina continued ignoring Elspeth’s outburst.
Elspeth frowned at Angelina, perplexed.
“Then,” Angelina continued. “We’ll put them in a nice orderly fashion back on your sister’s shelf.”
“That won’t annoy her at all. That’s too nice.”
“Won’t it?” Angelina said innocently. “Then after that we’ll go down to the kitchen and make her a nice batch of chocolate chip cookies, buttercream fairy cakes, and fresh lemonade.”
Elspeth stared as Angelina began to pick up the arms, legs and heads that were strewn across the room and sorted them into piles according to which legs matched and which arms matched. She was rather confused as to why being nice to her sister would irritate her but when she thought of melt in the mouth cookies and soft cream and sponge it tantalised her taste buds and made her mouth water and pretty soon she’d forgotten what she’d been doing and could only think of eating sweet treats.
“Can we put different chocolate chips in the cookies? I mean white ones and plain ones and different coloured ones?” she said her eyes gleaming with excitement.
“Certainly. What flavour of chocolate chip does Sophie like the most?”
“Milk chocolate.”
“Okedoke. We’ll make an extra large batch of milk chocolate chip cookies.”
“And can we draw smiley faces on them, with icing?” she added with delight.
“Of course we can.”
Elspeth clapped her hands with excitement as she followed Angelina along the wide, polished floored, corridor that always had a pungent smell of lemon furniture polish that made her scrunch her nose up in repulsion.
Down the grand staircase they both descended until they reached the main hallway where they doubled backed to a door that didn’t look like a door at all. It looked as though it was part of the wall as the top half was papered in the deep red swirling patterned wallpaper and the bottom half was dark wood panelling, just like the wall. Angelina pushed it open, and Elsepth’s eyes widened. She was itching to see what lay beyond the door. But was rather disappointed with what she saw. It was nothing like the rest of the Palace. It was cold and dark and smelt musty, like mould and earth. The walls were bare bricks, with no paint or pictures to adorn it, and the floor was made of horrid grey concrete.
She followed Angelina down a flight of steps where the sound of voices echoed and musty smell had been replaced with the sweet smell of roasted potatoes, gravy, pork and apple sauce. ‘I must be near the kitchen,’ she thought. Usually she would never have been allowed anywhere near the kitchen let alone allowed inside to make cookies and cakes, but as her mum and dad were away there was no-one to say no to her.
“I wish mum and dad would go away more often,” she said casually. “This is fun. Sophie is going to be so jealous when she finds out where I’ve been. What do you think Molly?” she said to the tatty, knitted dolly clutched in her hands.
“I’ve noticed you always seem to be carrying that dolly around with you,” Angelina enquired. “It’s filthy. Why don’t you wash it?”
“Mum’s always telling me to get it washed. She said she’s going to take it one day when I’m not looking and send it down to the laundry room. I told her she couldn’t do that because then it wouldn’t smell the same and I like the way it smells. So I carry it around with me all the time cos that way if I have it she can’t take it away. Right?”
Angelina nodded and chuckled at her as she pushed the swing door into the kitchen narrowly avoiding knocking one of the butlers who was stood on the other side talking to a chef.
Elspeth was a little afraid to go into the kitchen at first. It was a very stark looking place, all white tiles and chrome, and very noisy too. Lots of people dressed head to foot in white clothes, some stained with food, shouted at one another, which made Elspeth think that they may shout at her for being there when she wasn’t supposed to be.
“It’s okay,” Angelina said soothingly. “You can come in. We’ll go into the little workroom round the side. They usually use it to make little sweets and stuff but not today. It’ll be quiet round there.”

The last message

2010-06-09T15:07:00.000-07:00

Vicky lay awake in her bed, staring up at the velvet black sky through the crack in her curtains. She couldn't sleep. Her mind was replaying the day's event over and over again like a movie on loop.
The image of the deep ravine, her foot slipping off the edge, flashed across her mind's eye. "I can't believe she's gone," she muttered as a lone tear rolled down her cheek. "I'm sorry, Beth."
She reached her hand, bloody and grazed, across her duvet and plucked Jasper the bear from the within the pile of teddys on her bed. She stared at his threadbare face and deep into his scuffed, black, glassy eyes.
"I'm glad to be back, Jasper. I'll never leave you," she said and stuffed Jasper under her duvet, clamping it close to her chest.
As she snuggled under her duvet she spotted a fresh bunch of flowers on her bedside table and a message card resting against the vase.
The card read, "Best friends forever. I'll miss you loads. Love Beth."

Making hay

2010-06-08T02:22:00.000-07:00

Tilly almost didn't recognise the withered, grey form that was her Grammy laying on the bed in the sitting room. The last time she saw her was two months ago. Grammy said she was going into hospital "for a little bit". But now Tilly was confused.
"Mum," Tilly whispered. "I thought people went into hospital to get better. Grammy doesn't look well at all."
When Tilly's mum didn't answer Tilly looked up at her. Her mum was biting her lower lip and her eyes were glazed and red.
"Just go and sit with Grammy, Tilly. She wants to talk to you," said her mum, resting her hand on Tilly's shoulder, gently ushering her over to her grandmother.
Tilly was reluctant at first. The woman in the bed wasn't the grammy she knew. For a start she was grey in colour, her cheeks were sunken and her skin was even more wrinkly than before. But more disturbing was Grammy's bald head and the blonde curly wig placed over a polystyrene head on the beside table. This wasn't the smiley, energetic Grammy she knew.
"Tilly," Grammy croaked from the bed. "Come over here, sweetheart."
Tilly crouched down beside her grandmother, trying to smile through the smell of stale sweat and disinfectant.
"Hi Grammy," Tilly said, reaching out her hand tentatively to her grandmother's.
"Your mother tells me you've been a good girl, since I last saw you."
Tilly mustered a sheepish smile. She knew that wasn't entirely true but realised it was a well-intentioned white lie.
"I'm glad. Because I have something for you," Grammy said reaching across to open the draw of her bedside table.
Tilly watched her grandmother's slender hand pull out a silver locket.
"This is for you," she said, dropping the locket into Tilly's hand. "This will give you all you need to see you through your life."
"What do you mean?" asked Tilly.
"There is nothing that can save me now," whispered her Grandmother. "So I'm passing my luck onto you. Do you know the myth that cats have nine lives?"
Tilly nodded.
"Well humans do as well. In fact with the right help humans can have any number of lives. I have lived many, over thousands of years. But I'm weary now. I see in you a lot of me when I was your age. Your strength, your courage, your wit," she said with a throaty chuckle. "I'm now passing that gift to you. Your essence will live on, from one body to another. You will live a thousand lives so make hay whilst the sun shines," she continued before taking a deep gasp, falling back against the pillow and closing her eyes.
Tilly stared down at the locket in her hand, unable to comprehend what her Grammy had just told her, and unaware of what was about to befall her.

Best things for those who wait

2010-06-07T12:27:00.000-07:00

Ricky Plummer could barely contain his excitement as the double decker bus inched its way down Porthampton's high street. There was such a bounce in his step he was sure someone had put springs in his shoes. Though he could have done with them, or a ladder at least. He wasn't the only one standing on the pavement dressed in his regimental blues and whites. Thousands of townsfolk were there for the same reason he was; to welcome home their heroes.
As the cheers and screams crescendoed like waves, Ricky desperately tried to push his small frame through the throng. He wanted to get the best glimpse, the closest glimpse he would ever have of his hero, Porthampton FC's prize striker Robby Simmonds. It wasn't as easy as he thought. He was so used to people avoiding him on the street, recoiling at his size and disfigured face it was a new experience to suddenly feel like he was invisible. Not one person shuffled to the side to let him in. Getting through was like trying to knock down a wall with a feather; completely impossible. Frustration and desperation built up inside him like magma in a volcano. He searched for gaps in the crowd trying any means to get to the barriers that lined the street. All he wanted was a passing shot, something to file away in his memory, something happy for him to relive if ever he was sad but as the minutes passed and the rumble of the bus engines grew louder Ricky's hopes faded. By the time he made it to the metal barriers the bus had passed and the glorious FA Cup winners were meeting and greeting others along the parade route. Ricky's heart sank. It was like someone had just ripped his soul from his body.
One by one the crowds dispersed, leaving Ricky standing alone on the street, utterly despondent. As dark fell Ricky trudged home, with cheeks caked in salty tears. The walk home took him passed Porthampton's stadium, but Ricky was too upset to even acknowledge it was there. He stared at the pavement, and chose to occupy his mind by counting the cracks as he walked.
"eight, nine, ten," he mumbled to himself until he walked smack into a towering, suited figure.
Contrite, Ricky jumped back.
"I'm really sorry," he said sheepishly and looked up.
Recognition was instant. Ricky's legs suddenly went to jelly.
"Umm, I, I, err. R-Ro-Robby!" he stuttered.
"Alright lad?" Robby Simmonds said with a wry smile on his face. He slapped the Ricky's shoulders affectionately before walking on.
Ricky had to lift his jaw from the floor

Spontaneous healing

2010-06-06T13:30:00.000-07:00

Purple bruises, oozing cuts
Bill got from time to time
but cos he never let them heal
they stayed gooey with slime

Til one day on his way from school
freak lightening did strike
it sent electric through him
as he peddled on his bike

The next day when he woke up
he felt all out of sorts
but didn't realise what was wrong
until his class for sports

He took a knock across his knees
with a hockey stick
but when he looked upon the wound
there'd be no scab to pick

Sparks of blue leapt from his skin
where blood dripped from his knee
but before Bill could wipe it up
the wound healed instantly

A very woolly idea!

2010-06-05T08:35:00.000-07:00

"Jamie!" screeched Jamie's mother. "Get your backside down here and mow that lawn."
Jamie pulled his duvet over his head to muffle the sound of her drumbeat voice.
"I can't mum, my legs hurt," he mumbled.
"No excuses, Jamie. When I come back from work today I want that lawn so neat and trim you could use it as a putting green."
The last thing Jamie heard was the front door slam shut.
The race was now on. The only thing was Jamie hated mowing the lawn. Every Spring, Summer and Autumn he had to mow the lawn every fortnight. This year, however, he had a secret weapon.
He leapt out of bed, threw on his clothes and ran into the garden. It took him a good ten minutes to wade through the two foot high grass to get to the back fence, where he put his plan into action. With a set of wire clippers he cut the down the fence and waited for the inevitable woolly stampede.
Sure enough the lure of the lush green, weed-riddled grass was too much for the residents of the field and before Jamie knew it an entire flock of sheep were busily munching on his mother's lawn.
By six in the evening the lawn was as smooth as silk, and riddled with sheep poo.
"That'll do nicely," said Jamie, proudly.

Tales from Grimwold: the legend of Linus Bartleby

2010-06-04T10:57:00.000-07:00

It had been two years since Macadam Snore arrived at the white castle of Galdorgalere; home of the heinous Wizard. Ever since the Wizard saved Macadam's village from destruction from the Grima Pinbeam, Macadam had been duty bound to serve the Wizard for eternity. Macadam knew he would never be free to enjoy the life he once knew with his parents-helping his father sow and reap corncrops, baking bread with his mother and playing Wisp with the other village children-but never imagined his servitude would be as ruthless, tiring or dispiriting. No matter what he did he could never seem to please the Wizard. He would follow instructions to the letter but the Wizard would always find a way to critise his work, punishing him with either no food or worse, locking him in the castle basement for a day where spiders the size of his hand scuttled across putrid puddles on the floor, lizards longer than his body climbed the slime covered walls, and skeletons of the Wizards previous assistants lay in corners like discarded kindling.
Every night Macadam tried to stem the tears from flowing down his face at the despair that was his life. He didn't want to give the Wizard the satisfaction of knowing he was being tormented, but invariably one stray droplet of salty water would roll down his cheek before being swiftly brushed away by Macadam's dirty hand.
Then one day the Wizard summoned Macadam to the Grand Reception room where the Wizard was hosting a dinner for the most eminent magicians, sorcerers and shamens in the land. It was the most lavish occasion Macadam had ever seen. Silks of red, gold, blue and green were draped in deep swathes across the ceiling, beautiful girls with long waves of auburn hair danced in the middle of the room whilst a hundred or more magicians dressed in the finest clothes they could conjure watched on from teh comfort of the gold chairs they sat on. But Macadam was drawn to the food; so abundant he was sure it could feed the entire population of Grimwold for a year-one hundred spit-roasted pigs, four thousand potatoes, two thousand carrots, seventy gallons of gravy and more besides were carried through the room on glimmering gold trays.
"Boy, come here," said the Wizard to Macadam.
Macadam, with his head held low in the manner the Wizard expected, shuffled barefoot to the Wizard's side.
"What is your bidding, my master?" Macadam said.
"I grow weary of these dancers. Their toing and froing is making my head hurt. I want you to entertain me and my guests with a story," said the Wizard. With that he slapped his hands in quick succession and the six dancers dispersed, scurring off to the sides of the room.
Macadam starred out to the room of expectant faces that were clearly eager to hear what tale he had to tell. He trembled, not only at the thought of having to tell a story to a room full of strangers but to have to tell one that would please not only the Wizard but all of his guests as well.
He took a deep breath, stepped forward, summoned the strength from within him and took advantage of the only opportunity he had to be heard.
"My tale is one of truth and is about Linus Bartleby, the greatest magician in the world," he began to a chorus of gasps.
From the corner of his eye Macadam could see the bubble of anger forming on the Wizard's ruddy cheeks. It was the effect Macadam had hoped for.
"He was a legend and everywhere he went the people adored him. But he was a good magician. He helped those that most needed it. He gave food to the hungry, water to the thirsty and a home for those with nowhere to live. But the other magicians in the world were jealous of his fame. One day they captured Linus and threatened him to relinquish his powers or face death. Linus, without a glimmer of fear, said that he would only if the magicians could prove they were truely powerful enough. He told them to all cast a vanishing spell on each other. The magician who was left would be crowned the best."
The Wizard arose abruptly, his face purple with rage and his cheeks puffing. "I will not be outdone by this...Linus," he huffed. "I have never heard of such a tale but will heartily say that I am the most powerful wizard in the land."
One of the Wizard's guests rose suddenly and thumped his fist on the table. "That is an outrage I am the most powerful."
"No, I am," said another.
Before long the Wizard's grand reception room was filled with angry, over-inflated claims of grandeur and superiority.
Macadam stood back and waited for what he was sure was the inevitable.
One by one each of the magician's cast fiery bolts of light across the room. They bounced off the walls, brought down the silk veils from the ceiling, set fire to the tables and chairs until puff after puff, each and every magician disappeared, including the great Wizard himself.
Macadam sat back grabbed a leg of pork and feasted like he had never feasted before.

The pursuit of fame

2010-06-03T11:15:00.000-07:00

"He's out there, Sam," Captain Hammer said as he pulled his slimline telescope from its leather sheath and stared out across the ocean. "And I'm going to catch him."
"What's out there?" Sam asked, hesitantly, shuffling from one foot to the other.
Captain Hammer paused. "My future," he said. "All nine hundred pounds of him."
Captain Hammer snapped the telescope shut and marched below deck leaving Sam with a bemused look on his face.
"He's in pursuit, lad," snapped Grim the deckhand, "of the elusive Mambo Snapper, and its fame and fortune."
"Mambo Snapper?" said Sam.
"Yeah, though everyone onboard thinks it's a myth, an old sea legend. I mean who would believe that a fifty foot fish exists."
Sam stared out at the stern of the ship. His jaw dropped. "I do. Because it's chasing us."

Don't trust your imagination

2010-06-02T11:20:00.000-07:00

It was the best invention Milo had ever come up with. Far better than the automated dog walker or the self cleaning hamster cage. He marvelled at his computer chip creation; 'Jerry the homework completer'.
On the first day of term he fired Jerry up, ready to do his duty. He pressed the start button, watched as Jerry's arms jerked into life and his glassy eyes turned from cold black to electric blue.
"First assignment, please," said Jerry in a monotone, tinny voice.
Milo handed Jerry his homework diary, his english text book, a pad of lined paper and a pen.
Within three minutes Jerry had scrawled words across two pages; the answers to three questions on Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.
"Cheers, Jerry," Milo said as he took the pages from Jerry's tweezer fingers.
Milo had high hopes. He knew it was risky, not just because Jerry's handwriting didn't match his own but that he had no idea if Jerry had provided plausible answers to his essay questions. Not too accurate, but accurate enough to gain a good grade. He knew he wasn't the brightest light in the room when it came to arts. He was better at science. So he never bothered to read what Jerry had written before he handed it in.
When the moment came for Mrs Norris to hand back the essays Milo felt his palms get sweaty. His heart quickened and his breath became rapid and shallow. He was sure he'd been caught out. As Mrs Norris walked towards him a wry smile formed on her face.
"Well, well, Milo," she said. "Your essay was the biggest surprise of all, especially as it was the same sentence written over and over again."

Crop circles

2010-06-01T13:32:00.000-07:00

"Who is she, Pa? said Tom as he stared through the iron bars of Clear County's only jail cell.
"No idea, son," said his father as he unclipped his gun belt and slung it on the table. "Cricker brought her in."
Cowering in the corner, with her knees clasped to her chest, was a young girl in dirty rags and with a mop of tangled, sandy hair on her head.
When Tom's eyes met hers his body jolted, like a bolt of lightening had just speared him. In his mind's eye he saw his mother mopping his brow when he was sick.
He shook his head.
"Where did he find her?" Tom asked.
"Wandering through one of Hamley's corn field. Damn old coot thought she was making crop circles."
Tom laughed. "Like Mom," he muttered.
"Now, now, Tom, what did I tell you about dragging up the past. It's a whole world of hurt. You've gotta move on. She would have wanted that."
Tom sat back on a wooden bench, unable to take his eyes from the girl.
"I wish you had let me see her, before she died."
"What good would that have done?" said Tom's dad as kicked back and lit a pipe. As ribbons of wispy smoke curled through the air the girl stood up.
She unfurled her body and in doing so her tangled hair blossomed into flowing golden tresses, and her tattered dress burst into a riot of floral colours. As she stepped forward she held her arms out toward Tom.
Mesmermised, Tom walked towards her, drawn in by her angelic form and her soft voice, like a feather on a breeze.
"Goodbye Tom," she said.

Lost in translation...

2010-05-01T13:17:00.000-07:00

May has been a difficult month. If you read my post of April 30th you'll probably understand why.

http://imaginaryscrapbook.blogspot.com/2009/10/jasper.html

After a battery of tests, medications and waiting, it turns out my wee man has canine multiple sclerosis. It's incurable and will soon take his life. He's lost so much muscle mass in his back and bum I can feel every bone. He drags his claws on the ground when he walks, struggles to get up off the floor, is completely deaf, has hypothyroidism, hip dysplasia, chronic atopy and arthritis. But what is more heartbreaking is knowing that one day soon he'll lose the ability to use his back legs, bowels, bladder, front legs, lungs and his brain. I've already had a preview when I caught him by surprise one afternoon. He saw me and tried to run towards me but lost control of his back legs and dragged the whole lower half of his body up the road to meet me. The sight was more heartbreaking than words can describe, especially when he's been with me for almost 13 years!

So I've written May off as a non-starter in my project. Anything I have written will be posted in June, when I will restart my endeavour. I am naturally sad and frustrated at the break in my progress. But as committed as I am sometimes there are just more important things in life, and a close companion is one of them.

To all my followers, thank you for your support and I hope you'll continue to keep reading.

Jabba

2010-04-30T13:52:00.000-07:00

Pet in the vet,
old and worn,
do I set him free
to heavenly roam?

Third world

2010-04-29T14:11:00.000-07:00

Kevin built a time machine
not bad for a tall, spotty teen
every night instead of sleep
he'd make a distant space time leap
seeing things in his future
wondering if he's rich or poor
but one night he travelled too far
and saw the death of the sun star
a mighty bang he did see
a chance to start world number three

Little record

2010-04-28T13:27:00.000-07:00

Swishing tail
and tiny hooves
now listed in the record books

Could he be
the smallest horse?
according to Guinness of course

Either way
he is too cute
little pinto Brute

Gilbert and Gerty

2010-04-27T10:44:00.000-07:00

Gilbert was laid on the grass
sadly his long life had past
Gerty wouldn't leave her mate
knowing what would be his fate

Crows approached with greedy eyes
but Gerty she was much too wise
she stood beside him faithfully
and fended off the black bullies

They lunged at her, their beaks were wide
hoping to peck at his hide
but Gerty jumped into the air
and whacked them with her tail of hair

You might think she was mighty large
to be able to take such charge
but don't be fooled by your mind
it was a squirrel that was kind

Fur..evenge

2010-04-26T12:16:00.000-07:00

In a land turned upside down
humans didn't wear the crown
all those years subservient
animals were discontent

Tired of being stripped down bare
just so humans wear their hair
animals now in control
turned the tables on their role

Sitting meek below the chain
humans now no longer vain
made to atone for their deep sin
for animals now wear their skin

Run in the sun

2010-04-25T13:24:00.000-07:00

Jelly beans and telephones
lots of people jarring bones
start to finish, it's a race
who is going to set the pace

Young and old, tall and small
come together, one and all
Tower bridge and Cutty Sark
they all love this running lark

Some will finish down the Mall
others they may just fall
but no matter how many start
the best thing is just taking part

Sleight of hand

2010-04-24T03:15:00.001-07:00

Cally had always been repulsed by the withered hand her father kept in a glass box. It looked like a giant, wrinkled spider. She hated spiders.
"Why do you have to keep that thing?" she said, slumped over one of the tables in her father's pub, staring at it with a disapproving eye.
"Because it's part of the history of 'The Highwayman's Inn. It brings in visitors; and visitors mean money," her father huffed.
"I don't like it. It's creepy and just plain weird that people want to come here to see a severed hand," she retorted, turning to look through the window at the blizzard raging outside across the moorland.
"Not just any severed hand."
"Yeah, yeah, I know. It belonged to Red Crow, the notorious rogue gambler who had his hand chopped off for cheating the pub landlord out of five guineas," Cally recounted like a mantra.
No sooner had she said it there was a sudden smash behind the bar. Both her and her dad leapt back in fright.
"What was that?" Cally quivered.
"It was just a bottle," replied her dad. "It must have been unstable on the shelf."
Cally sat back on one of the wooden chairs, her heart thumping in her chest. She turned to look back at the thing in the glass case, only to find the door to the case open and the hand missing.

Queenie

2010-04-23T03:08:00.000-07:00

There once was a girl called Queenie
who was a troublesome genie
she lived in a lamp
that was so terribly cramped
it squished her til she was quite teeny

A cure for snoring

2010-04-22T12:56:00.000-07:00

There once was a boy called Torr
who every night he did snore
in total despair
his sister grabbed his hair
and dragged him into the house next door

Sticky Willy

2010-04-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

There once was a boy called Willy
who was so incredibly sticky
he spent all his days
rolling in stones and hay
but found picking them off was quite tricky

Freestyle mutt

2010-04-20T14:00:00.000-07:00

Little dancer
furry paws
if he had feathers
he would soar

Graceful doggie
he's a winner
if he keeps on going
he'll be gettin' thinner

He does salsa
he does ballet
adding ballroom
to his tally

Wish my talent
could compete
but I'm cursed with having
two bungling left feet

Born to be wild

2010-04-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

There are in the Highlands
wandering wild
the last of the big cats
meek and mild

They skulk in the shadows
timorously
so quiet and quick
nobody can see

Like oversized tabbys
with blunt,stubby tails
and enough attitude
to put them in jail

With razor sharp claws
to bring down their prey
and a lethal bite
so forever they lay

They run at speeds
of thirty miles an hour
like African tigers
with explosive power

But less than four hundred
live in Scotland today
let's do what we can
so they don't go away

Splat the rat

2010-04-17T01:35:00.000-07:00

There once was a boy called Pat
who had a pet rat called Splat
til one day in a rage
he left open its cage
and Splat was eaten by Pat's cat

Face in a mountain

2010-04-16T15:06:00.000-07:00

A face in the mountain
looking down from up high
a gaping mouth
and wide open eyes

A roar in the morning
spewing dust in the air
that floated far from
its cold island lair

Then all was silent
the giant was calm
refusing to do
the world more harm

It sunk back below
taking its ash spray
ready to roar
on some other day

An unfortunate incident

2010-04-15T12:28:00.000-07:00

There once was a boy called Brefyl
who often was very forgetful
when he got to his school
he felt quite the fool
forgetting to dress was regretful

A croaky problem

2010-04-14T14:42:00.000-07:00

There once was a man called Morse
whose voice was incredibly hoarse
it took time to work out
what was causing this bout
but a frog in his throat was the source

The great escape

2010-04-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

Forty years ago
three men flew into space
but on the second day
trouble they did face

There was a loud bang
onboard their spaceship
that signalled the end
of their planned moon trip

But all wasn't well
whilst floating high up there
the loud bang meant their ship
was running out of air

The men in Houston with
time ticking away fast
made a device that meant
the air inside would last

On the edge of their seat
the world did wait
wondering what would be
the astronauts fate

Everybody's prayers
were answered luckily
they all came home safe
to fly some another day

A fishy tale

2010-04-12T13:09:00.000-07:00

There once was a girl called Trish
whose favourite pet was a fish
she loved it a ton
and dreamed to be one
one morn she woke and got her wish

Collection of scabs

2010-04-11T05:32:00.000-07:00

What do you do with your scabs
when you pick them from your skin
flick them at annoying girls
or stick them in the bin

Or perhaps you store them in a jar
to compare with your best mate
who'll claim he had far more
that your little jar of eight

Or maybe you just sprinkle them
over your sister's beans
trying to repulse her
by any way or means

But whatever you do with them
never must you fear
as long as you have cuts and scraps
your scabs will heal you clear

Pretty Paris

2010-04-10T00:58:00.000-07:00

When Paris Harris bat her lashes
boys came flocking to her side
they buzzed like bees around her
there was nowhere she could hide

'Oh woe is me' she said plainly
'for this affliction set on me,
to have a face so pretty
everybody wants to see'

But then one day a stranger
walked bold into her math class
a new girl who went by the name
of Becky-Lee Bluegrass

Becky-Lee with tight blonde curls
and eyes of sparkling blue
stole all the boys' advances
and made Paris number two

Brave little Kevin

2010-04-09T01:17:00.000-07:00

Kevin was a Tawny Owl
who was afraid to fly
it wasn't that he couldn't
he didn't like to be so high

His owner tried in vain
taking Kevin out each day
but when he let him go
Kevin wouldn't fly away

Then one day Kevin's mate
the feisty Barn Owl, Kyra
zoomed off on her daily hunt
and got tangled in telephone wire

Kevin panicked at the sight
of Kyra in distress
and dug down deep into his soul
for courage he possessed

She flapped and flailed
and squealed and squawked
til Kevin bold as brass
flew out like a brave hawk

'Don't worry, Kyra,' Kevin cried
trying not to look below
he flapped his wings and clenched his beak
to save his gung-ho beau

'You are so brave,' said Kyra, true
'to overcome your fear.'
'I'd do anything,' Kevin said
'to save your life, my dear.'

The phantom hand

2010-04-08T10:41:00.000-07:00

A fleshy, pulsing, living hand
crept across the floor
and climbed up to a handle
to open the lounge door

Its goal? to find a body
to graft itself upon
longing to revive
a life that was long gone

It used its spindly fingers
to climb high up the stairs
hoping for an answer
to its nightly prayers

Cracked and dirty
finger nails
grabbing at
the staircase rails

Scratching varnish
from the wood
scuttling
as fast as it could

At a doorway
hand stopped dead
breathing sounds
came from a bed

But as it crept
into the room
it roused the person
from its tomb

Sleepy eyes
so wide and clear
makes the hand
now disappear

Canteen chaos

2010-04-07T11:54:00.000-07:00

It started with an accident
Kay slipped on orange jelly
her dinner tray flew through the air
and landed on Bill's belly

He was angry at being smeared
with chips and tomato sauce
so what do you think he did?
retaliate, of course

Bill grabbed a dumpling in his hand
threw it across the room
where it splattered on the head
of Catriona Bloom

Catriona screamed and swept
the trays off her dinner table
sending glasses of ribena
spraying over Mabel

Mabel leapt up on her feet
it gave her quite a fright
but then a smile drew on her face
and screeched 'lunchtime food fight'

The furry king

2010-04-06T09:32:00.000-07:00

When Rupert the first of Amberland
sadly passed away
in his will he declared his heir
was the dog he took in as a stray

Pixie was scruffy, his body was bald
a tuft of hair grew on his head
the poor little dog had little idea
what would happen in the days ahead

Rupert's son was quite displeased
with his father's choice
he yelled and screamed and stamped his feet
no-one would hear his voice

So one night the human prince
crept up on Pixie's bed
but before he could unleash his wrath
Pixie awoke and fled

Cowered in a little nook
out of sight he stayed
until the royal military
took the prince away

The townsfolk they all cried with joy
they loved King Rupert dear
and were delighted to have
little Pixie as their heir

Carrot top

2010-04-05T10:14:00.000-07:00

Suki Bonner bet her brother
to eat carrots for a week
Ramsay Bonner was quite honoured
to prove he wasn't meek

Determindly and quite gladly
he took on the great challenge
but ate so much, like a rabbit in a hutch
his skin turned bright orange

Mutiny of the bunny

2010-04-04T13:16:00.000-07:00

The easter bunnies had enough
of carrying their eggs
so heavy were they in their bags
they tired out their legs

So mutiny they did one year
refused to do their work
collected all the eggs
and considered them a perk

With buddha bellies they sat proud
full till they were sick
chocolate coated whiskers
with their tongues they did lick

Though they were proud of their haul
they felt so awfully guilty
about the children who lost out
on their Easter booty

Kermit the hermit

2010-04-03T10:34:00.000-07:00

Kermit was a hermit
who lived inside a shell
he wouldn't come outside
until someone rang his bell

He didn't have friends
or any family
he lived all alone
feeling melancholy

Then one day the churning sea
washed him out of his house
where he met another hermit
who became his lifelong spouse

Breakaway

2010-04-02T09:35:00.000-07:00

T'was the night of April Fool
when the weather turned somewhat cool
the whipping wind began to howl
the lashing rain was truly fowl

The coast of little Andrews town
was beat so hard that it did drown
from cresting waves of foaming steel
they washed away Hardy the seal

Laurel, she was mighty sad
swimming alone in her pool pad
til Hardy leapt out of the sea
to the sound of Laurel's plea

Like a silver bullet he
sacrificed a life at sea
and cried out in a joyful tone
"I'll never leave you all alone."

Is it true?

2010-04-01T12:54:00.000-07:00

Reported on the news today
a new planet found far away
beyond the shores of old Pluto
a gassy mass with a fiery pink glow

No-one knew that it was there
to find one was extremely rare
who dropped it down into the sky
circling round the sun on high

Jagged bolts of lightening fire
into space for you to admire
on the surface Squidgits roam
looking for a squidgy home

Is it false or is it true?
can you tell me if it's new?

Longing for June

2010-03-31T14:04:00.000-07:00

Blustery winds, start of school
Autumn is nobody's fool

Chilly hands, numb fingers
in the Winter cold lingers

Wet feet, soggy toes
in the Spring these are your woes

But Summertime is most divine
Beaches,ice cream and sunshine

Able Mabel

2010-03-30T11:17:00.000-07:00

Mabel had a special talent
her arms and legs were rubber
she could stretch them like elastic
and wibble them like blubber

They came in very handy
when her mother locked them out
she'd squeeze her arms through the letter box
and twist the lock about

But in the middle of the night
she'd twist and turn in bed
and wake up in the morning
with her arms tied round her head

Bold Blue

2010-03-29T12:10:00.000-07:00

Chelsea Blue
was happy to
be teased about her nose

She didn't care
the girls would dare
to say it was a hose

It's part of me
she said plainly
an' will always be on show

Feather clouds

2010-03-28T10:43:00.000-07:00

It was a record breaking fight
British kids it did excite
pillows split to their delight
and feathers did block out the light

Fluff Happy

2010-03-27T03:52:00.000-07:00

Fluff Happy was afflicted with
a gaseous behind
it was the most explosive
you could ever hope to find

Wherever he did go he cracked
the most repellent farts
so toxic and so smelly
people fled to other parts

He tried so hard to change his ways
stopped eating sprouts and beans
but no matter what he did
his bum was still a fart machine

Trees and bushes began to wilt
people's hair fell out
nothing within fifty miles
of Fluff would ever sprout

Til one day an inventor
said that Fluff could be a source
his bum could power factories
and save the planet, of course!

Flat Kat

2010-03-26T04:52:00.000-07:00

There once was a girl called Katticus
who thought she was a platypus
she jumped in a pool
oh my what a fool
with no water inside she was SPLATypus

View from the top

2010-03-25T14:59:00.000-07:00

Little box floating on high
tell me what you see
mushroom clouds above
and below it deep blue sea

Little box, your digital eye
encased in a silver suit
destined for the stratosphere
photographs to shoot

Little box with Space above
a lonely traveller too
the cusp of Earth within your sights
wish I was there with you

Bill the beetle

2010-03-24T14:54:00.000-07:00

Bill the beetle travelled
quite a long way from his home
inside a box of bananas
for so long he did roam

A giant of the rainforest
an endangered little bug
when he arrived in London
people there could only shrug

It was a shock that he survived
the chemicals and cold
but hardbacked Bill was mighty tough
with guts that made him bold

From there he went to Cambridge
and into an insect zoo
where keepers could make sure
that old Bill made a friend or two

A divine game

2010-03-23T13:49:00.000-07:00

They didn't know what caused the hail
the size of balls blown with the gale
but up on high throughout the day
the gods above, golf they did play

Fly me to the moon

2010-03-22T12:40:00.000-07:00

There was a boy called Willie Fry
who unlike others he could fly
day by day he would try
to fly higher into the sky

His efforts made him mighty proud
when once he reached a fluffy cloud
atop he stood and he avowed
"Moon next" he cried, happy and loud

Launching into deep, dark space
he finally reached his happy place
the moon that only had one face
where he could rest with eternal grace

Bonebreaker

2010-03-21T11:35:00.000-07:00

There once was a boy called Jones
who wanted to break all his bones
when he snapped a wee toe
the pain began to show
and his sister cried "go break your own"

Cloud climber

2010-03-20T04:56:00.000-07:00

There once was a boy called Stroud
who loved climbing so much he felt proud
when stood on a mountain top
he didn't want to stop
so he hitched a lift up on a cloud

SAVE A LIFE

2010-03-19T14:26:00.000-07:00

It doesn't take a lot you know
to help someone today
five pounds for a meshed bed net
to keep malaria at bay

You can help to save a life
the old, the young, the poor
they deserve the chance to live
to feel the pain no more

Please donate to Sport Relief. Every little helps!

Thank you

Adrenaline junkie squirrel

2010-03-18T13:37:00.000-07:00

There once was a squirrel called Toestar
who loved riding roller coasters
he was banned from the rides
but Toestar he defied
cos he couldn't read the warning poster

Lucky bones

2010-03-17T12:48:00.000-07:00

Lucky Bones was a ghost with the most
he would haunt the live long day
and though he was alone in his church
he much preferred it that way

But year by year the church grew old
its stone crumbling to sand
and before Lucky could stop it
his church was long lost to the land

For decades after he wandered around
looking for a new home
but because he was all alone
he knew solo he'd roam

Dog's dinner

2010-03-16T11:48:00.000-07:00

There once was a dog called Rymond
who ate a twelve thousand pound diamond
when it came out of his tummy
it was worth so much money
his owner could buy all of Ireland

The witch of Manorly Coast

2010-03-15T13:40:00.000-07:00

Johnny was obsessed with ghosts
until one foggy night
he camped out at Manorly Coast
and got a nasty fright

Legend told of ghosts and ghouls
that moaned and wailed and wooed
and a witch, ugly and cruel,
that turned you to worm food

Johnny was too curious
he had to know the truth
but the witch was furious
to see him beneath her roof

Upon his sight she cast a spell
with eyes a fiery glow
and on his knees poor Johnny fell
into her lair below

When he woke he was on fours
with aching, snarling teeth
and giant paws with gleaming claws
he happily unsheathed

The witch knew not what she had done
when he sliced off her head
and dumped it in a cauldron
and proclaimed the witch was dead

Moan Joan

2010-03-14T13:26:00.000-07:00

There was a young girl called Joan
who did nothing each day but moan
she annoyed all her friends
drove them right round the bend
so they left moan Joan all on her own

Buds of Spring

2010-03-13T13:06:00.000-08:00

Little seedling we do sow
into the ground for it to grow
a little water, a little sun
that's all you need your work is done

Day by day a little more
your shoots and leaves begin to soar
flower buds begin to bloom
and wash away the winter gloom

Talk of the town

2010-03-12T12:46:00.000-08:00

There once was a rabbit called Hattie
who was so persistently chatty
she sat in her hutch
and chatted so much
the other rabbits all called her batty

Mr Scruffles

2010-03-11T12:48:00.000-08:00

Mr Scruffles, baby miracle
the elephant with no beat
till the day that he was born
and death it appears he did cheat

House of cards

2010-03-10T11:51:00.000-08:00

Inglebert was an eccentric
who lived in a house of cards
until a stiff wind blew it
down the road five hundred yards

Hughie the cutie

2010-03-09T12:57:00.000-08:00

Hughie was a Kune Kune
living on a farm
he had his own special pen
so he wouldn't come to harm

The other pigs around him
were jealous of his beauty
he attracted so much attention
everybody called him 'Cutie'

Then one night when it was dark
the pigs plotted and schemed
they broke into poor Hughie's pen
and made little Hughie scream

His curly tail quivered and shook
and he backed against a stone wall
as the pigs approached lightening struck
and made bacon out of them all

To pee or not to pee

2010-03-08T01:21:00.000-08:00

Bruno was a naughty dog
when his owners were at work
on Monday's in the kitchen
he dined on Sunday's roast pork

He didn't know he had done wrong
he did it all the time
he just wanted to fill his tum
how could that be a crime

But afterwards another urge
took hold of his weak mind
he needed it as much as food
water, he had to find

His own dish it was licked bone dry
but knew where there was water
he stuck his head in the toilet bowl
and drank more than he oughta

When he was full he felt a tingle
that made him hop and prance
the only way he could relieve it
was to pee on his mum's plants

When am I?

2010-03-07T09:10:00.000-08:00

Halley's comet passed on by
so clearly visible to the eye
it was embroidered in a tapestry
so centuries later the world could see

Then in October at Hastings
old Harold got a right pasting
he had no idea he would die
from an arrow in the eye

Upon his death the Duke of Normandy
was crowned England's King on Christmas day
he reclaimed what he though was his
and so ended the dark ages

Can you guess what year this is
in my little history quiz?

Dot and stripes

2010-03-06T10:25:00.000-08:00

Dotty was a little white horse
alone in a herd of Zebra
she wanted to be accepted of course
and roam with them on the savannah

But Dotty lacked the deep black stripe
to mingle with the herd
they said she wasn't quite the type
they said she looked absurd

But one day it hit her with a smack
the answer lay in the wallow
she painted mud stripes across her back
and the herd finally let her follow

Where am I?

2010-03-05T13:48:00.000-08:00

I'm on a living mountain
with an internal fountain
which in seventy-nine AD
exploded mightily

On the coast of Italy
it destroyed homes terribly
killed up to twenty thousand
and lasted nineteen hours

It has two angry sisters
both earthly blisters
on islands near
they too are feared

So where am I
where I might die
can you guess
this natural abscess

Chicken fight

2010-03-04T11:40:00.000-08:00

George and Mildred had enough
their poor life was mighty tough
every night a fox appeared
who filled them with feather-trembling fear

They huddled by each others side
looking for a place to hide
from the fox's beady eyes
eyeing them as a prize

Then one night George took a stand
he wanted to get the upper hand
so when the fox, to his cage, came near
George reached out his neck and pecked its ear

What am I?

2010-03-03T11:11:00.000-08:00

I live high
up in the sky
I'm a solid mound
going round and round

There's nine of me
celestial beauty
some solid mass
some made of gas

I'm far away
in the Milky Way
round a hot star
I always travel far

Can you guess
more or less
what I am
from this exam?

A bum deal

2010-03-02T10:11:00.000-08:00

There was a boy who was a Prince
he wasn't smart he was quite dense
in exchange for a quid
his sister did give
nothing more than a rusty one pence

Who am I?

2010-03-01T13:37:00.000-08:00

Hidden beneath a golden mask
concealed by sand and time
a young boy was finally found
but was his death a crime?

Unearthed in twenty-two
surrounded by solid gold
the unfortunate ruler
died only eighteen years old

Then in twenty-ten
blood tests found out why
he wasn't murdered
he was poisoned by a fly

In the air

2010-02-28T12:31:00.000-08:00

There once was a boy called Pete
who had rubbery feet
he bounced so high
he touched the sky
and the ubiquitous spirit he did meet

What will you be?

2010-02-27T09:46:00.000-08:00

What will you be when you grow older?
write a novel
and become an author

What will you be when you are bigger?
get a licence
to operate a digger

What will you do when you leave home?
ascend to be King
and sit on a throne

Yes, you can be anything you want, take heed
self belief and determination is all you need

So what will you be when you are taller?
skipper a boat
and be a fish trawler

What will you be in twenty years time?
become a policeman
and solve lots of crimes

When you get older, what will you do first?
learn how to help people
and become a good nurse

If you have a wish, you know what you need to do
follow your heart and your wish will come true

Face fuzz

2010-02-26T10:05:00.000-08:00

There was an old man called Gwyn
who had the hairiest chin
every night it would itch
and grow another inch
til it reached down as far as his shin

Wobbly bits

2010-02-25T09:10:00.000-08:00

There was a girl called Kelly
who woke up with a wobbly belly
when she looked in the mirror
the reason became clearer
her belly was made of pink jelly

Toe jam

2010-02-24T12:12:00.000-08:00

There was a boy called Cam
whose feet were thick with toe jam
he scooped it up with a spoon
by the light of the moon
and spread it on bread and sliced ham

Geyser face

2010-02-23T12:44:00.000-08:00

There once was a girl called Rose
who had a really runny nose
it gushed like a geyser
she was such a sneezer
her friends called it a snot hose

Great Rocky

2010-02-22T08:50:00.000-08:00

Rocky was a giant dog
he stood two metres tall
he didn't have a nice warm home
cos no-one wanted him at all

He spent his days sat in a kennel
in a crumbling old dogs home
the owner kept him locked in
so he never got to roam

He wasn't old, poor Rocky dear
he'd only just turned three
a life inside a prison
wasn't where he wanted to be

He longed to sleep on cushions
dine on roast veg and chopped meat
but most of all he wanted
to curl up by someone's feet

Then one damp day a face appeared
through the foggy gloom
a beaming smile and eyes so wide
Rocky's heart did bloom

The girl rushed up to Rocky's pen
a tear poured from her eye
'He's the one,' she cried with delight
'He's so timid and shy.'

Rocky's breath caught in his mouth
he'd been down this road before
but the girl led him from his pen
to be hers forever more

Down to the hollow

2010-02-21T06:26:00.000-08:00

There once was a boy called Bud
who was always in need of a scud
but it was a bit extreme
to expect him to be clean
for he was a wallowing pig in thick mud

Magic shoes

2010-02-20T06:59:00.000-08:00

There once was a boy called Guy
with a gift to stop himself from being shy
with the girls he did schmooze
wearing his magic shoes
and drifted up into the sky

Rear explosions

2010-02-19T02:00:00.000-08:00

There once was a boy called Bart
who managed to hold in his farts
til he ate beans in sauce
you know what happened of course
his butt exploded into a million parts

Two left feet

2010-02-18T13:00:00.000-08:00

There once was a girl called Trace
who thought dancing would be ace
with determination and grit
she put on her dance kit
but tripped and fell on her face

Chubby bunny

2010-02-17T11:14:00.000-08:00

Rupert was a chubby bunny
going for the record
the fattest mammal of them all
so he would be adored

His daily chow consisted of
Seeds and fruit and nuts
and chocolate coated carrots
anything to expand his guts

His dedication was so strong
he never missed a meal
the day before his weighing
he chowed down on a plate of veal

When Rupert's owner placed him
on the vet's flat weighing scale
his heart sighed, he'd been pipped
by a guinea pig from Sale

Shrove Tuesday

2010-02-16T09:59:00.000-08:00

There once was a boy called Grippa
who was a wicked pancake flipper
they flew through the air
stuck on ceiling and chair
and even on Grandma's fur slipper

Freaky fingers

2010-02-15T11:29:00.000-08:00

There once was a girl called Ginger
who had ten bendable fingers
she could tie them into a knot
not one but the whole lot
but only her brother could untangle her

Knock 'em out

2010-02-14T09:09:00.001-08:00

There once was a girl called Olive
who had so much love to give
when she fluttered her lashes
boys fell on their asses
and raised their voices an octave

Absent minded

2010-02-13T10:34:00.000-08:00

There once was a girl called Bray
whose imagination went on holiday
hour by hour
she sat by the fire
dreamless and cold as clay

Shiny heads

2010-02-12T12:58:00.000-08:00

There once was a girl called Claire
who refused to wash her long hair
her mum had enough
so she cut off the stuff
and now she's as bald as a pear